celebrity shout ou
June 16, 2008
hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
this be ananananananananananana
wowahalwoahwoah
we’re not that drunk.
but, ttyl and we will be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111111!!!!!!!!!!
giimkei
drinkem bloggg
June 16, 2008
been drinking again…. that means anotehr blog.
idk where everyone went
i think someone is thorwing up from 911?
i feel a litt
f;a
owe my ar. fshuxkc
new request
May 18, 2008
haha i love you. i’ve missed this so much. even though im upstairs drunk as hell, lyou are enjoying fajnmily tijme i beleive.
i lke you. like. yes, you.
and im over the rest of it.
i have my best friends.
and this liking situation.
all i need.
the end.
bueno
April 30, 2008
I have so many things to blog about and not enough energy to actually blog it.
I just really need to be careful.
Going to AZ this weekend is probably a real good choice to just have time to think away from here.
I know I will be back though…. just unsure for how long.
only a plane ride away…
April 25, 2008
I really want to be with my family.
I even took it to the extreme of looking up flights to arizona for next weekend, and they are surprisingly only about 200 bucks. I called my brother and potential arrangements have been made.
Even though my grandma will be dying within the next couple days so I won’t see her…I really want to see my family. Hearing them on the phone I can tell they are not okay… I really want to be there. I want to hug my mom and personally hand my little brother something to cheer him up.
It will be three years this May since my Grandpa Pressel died… that was my hardest death for me of all time. I’m not even sure if I’ve cried that hard since then. This time of year could be why I want to be with them when they are going through a really hard time.
I find myself being sad about her dying even though I never “liked” her… for reasons unknown, just what my family here told me. I had a nice meeting with her last time I was down though, which is probably why it is somewhat sad to me. It’s funny that I never imagined these feelings over her….
Two hundred bucks is totally worth a three day trip to see my family.
Now I just have to look into the work schedule, which could be tedious.
apprehensive
April 24, 2008
todays the first day in awhile that ive just been really frustrated with most everything. Friends, clothing, plans, feelings, homework, work…
I think i’m going to blame that time of month.
which makes me even more frustrated because of timing.
EFF
soltar= let go of/drop
April 22, 2008
Life is much more clear now. I look at my past and can see things from an outside perspective. I can definitely see things I should not have done, see where I was used, realize where I really was loved, and see the things I would never take back or exchange for anything.
I guess now that I have this realization I am somewhat pompous about it and wish others would just snap out of the daze they are in as well, like I have finally done.
I hate when my friends get dragged around, and continue to have their heart beaten on as if it was a piece of meat… It’s easy for me to see how they need to say goodbye. They need to let “change” and “time” interact with each other to form a firewall for their life. Us girls are different and guys will never understand why we love so much and have so much compassion and will to do anything for them… let’s just be honest- Yes, we are THAT awesome!! But that’s the problem. All that makes it 10 times harder for a girl to just let go and drop that virus of a boy, get some firewall, and start forgiving.
I am realizing that since I have finally been able to do this, I still need to see that they haven’t been able to let go yet. They aren’t quite there yet, which is fine…everyone’s timing is different.
It’s just really hard to know my friends hurt. I also definitely know it is way easier said than done. No one can say a damn thing to make you get over it. One day it will just click… you may not know why, but you will just have this random sigh of relief and be done with it all.
It is an amazing feeling ladies, and I sincerely pray that you will have that soon.
But until then, I am of course here for you.
<3
that’s what you get when you let your heart win
April 19, 2008
Last night I went to bed early and passed out thinking about things. Had I been awake for five more minutes I probably would have started crying… I miss Arizona SO BAD! Mostly thinking about taking my little brother up to Prescott and hanging out. We would drive through starbucks and then go somewhere like the dollar store where he could pick out stuff to scrapbook. I talked to him on the phone the other day and he said something about how my mom brought in cupcakes for his birthday but she was an hour late. I can’t help but think SRSLY? MOM! YOU CAN’T DO THAT!! UGH! My first thought before this was, “I wish I was there to take him cupcakes on time.” Which then lead me to believe I can have kids someday. It’s not like I’m going to go out and get knocked up tomorrow… but I think I could actually take care of one and love one. After remembering how I took care of my brother, […..and jeremy] I can really see myself going past being a good older sister, and being a mom eventually.
I really miss my older brothers too. My brothers are so different that it gave me two different adventures all summer, it was great. I can totally see myself moving there someday. I’ve always felt this way but have seen it as like, 5 years or something, but I think the day is coming closer and closer. Especially with this whole “closure” business…. I feel like a different person. I feel alive and like I have so many options that I am ready to start taking. I feel like I am ready to live my life now that I have lost all my fucking baggage.
I really, really wish I was in Arizona right now for my family. My mom is having such a hard time with my grandma [who should be going any day] and I really wish she could be strong for Justin, but it’s her mom so I can understand. I am the strongest person in my family in situations like this so I just wish I could be there for everyone. And I already went through this here, so I wish I could take my experience with me down there and be there for them. Yesterday my mom said “I don’t know if I’m ready for this” and I was just like, “I’m sorry but you don’t really have a choice… just stay strong.” And I reminded her that Justin is young and needs her. Typing that out sounds a little harsh but it wasn’t.
That also makes me think that my family here needs me too. Especially with my uncle being out of town and my cousin breaking down. I know I can’t live my life worrying about everyone and I have to follow my own heart and desires, but of course I’m going to have concerns for family.
And Paramore is pretty much my favorite right now.
No sir, well, I don’t want to be the blame
Not anymore
It’s your turn so take a seat
We’re settling the final score
And why do we like to hurt so much?
I can’t decide, you have made it harder
Just to go on
And why, all the possibilities
Well, I was wrongThat’s what you get
when you let your heart win, Whoa
That’s what you get when you let your heart win, WhoaI drowned out all my senses
With the sound of it’s beating
And that’s what you get
when you let your heart win, Whoa
I wonder, how am I supposed to feel
When you’re not here?
‘Cause I burned every bridge I ever built
When you were hereI still try holding on to silly things
I never learn
Oh why, all the possibilities
I’m sure you heardThat’s what you get when you let your heart win, Woah.
Except I’ve learned. And I’m okay now.
distraido
April 17, 2008
On Monday my cousin had a breakdown and was suicidal because her new pills were causing a chemical reaction. I’ve never really had to deal with that first hand before so I think that’s what made me stay calm, it didn’t seem real. All I really had to do was go with my aunt to pick up my cousin and then drive my cousin’s car home while they went to the doctor. She is home all week and can’t be left alone so it’s a little weird to adultsit. I had to get up this morning to just hang out with her while my aunt went to an appointment. It’s just really awkward because she knows what I’m doing so I don’t really know how to act. I mean, if she knows she’s having a chemical problem, it’s weird she can’t recognize that and be fine… I’ve never had that happen so I wouldn’t know I guess. I do know that she’s just afraid of herself and that must feel scary. I found out today that I have to go home Saturday after work and hang out from 3-8 with her because my aunt needs to go to a thing. It’s kind of weird….. oh well. It’s family.
Speaking of family, I talked to my mom today and she said my grandma went to hospice yesterday and won’t be around any longer for more than a few days. I almost cried, even though I’m not close to my grandma. Death is still sad, and I know it’s really hard on my family down there. What makes it all worse is that it was my little brother’s birthday [I am HORRIBLE because I forgot to call him] and he said it was the worst birthday because grandma went to the hospital to die… My poor baby brother! That is not a good memory! So today I got my brother a huge sponge-bob card and sent him 20bucks. I also called my other two brothers to see how they were doing…which they really appreciated. Since I was at it, I gave my dad a call. We didn’t talk long, but he was sober so that was cool. I need to make time to go see him soon… And I need to get my plane ticket to Arizona pronto.
I am so surprised that I am emotionally stable with everything that is going on in my life right now. I can’t even explain how it feels but I just feel so mature or something. I feel emotionally healthy and like I am a good person or something over night. It’s… It’s good.