Miss Bond

Last night I went to bed early and passed out thinking about things. Had I been awake for five more minutes I probably would have started crying… I miss Arizona SO BAD! Mostly thinking about taking my little brother up to Prescott and hanging out. We would drive through starbucks and then go somewhere like the dollar store where he could pick out stuff to scrapbook. I talked to him on the phone the other day and he said something about how my mom brought in cupcakes for his birthday but she was an hour late. I can’t help but think SRSLY? MOM! YOU CAN’T DO THAT!! UGH! My first thought before this was, “I wish I was there to take him cupcakes on time.” Which then lead me to believe I can have kids someday. It’s not like I’m going to go out and get knocked up tomorrow… but I think I could actually take care of one and love one. After remembering how I took care of my brother, […..and jeremy] I can really see myself going past being a good older sister, and being a mom eventually.

I really miss my older brothers too. My brothers are so different that it gave me two different adventures all summer, it was great. I can totally see myself moving there someday. I’ve always felt this way but have seen it as like, 5 years or something, but I think the day is coming closer and closer. Especially with this whole “closure” business…. I feel like a different person. I feel alive and like I have so many options that I am ready to start taking. I feel like I am ready to live my life now that I have lost all my fucking baggage.

I really, really wish I was in Arizona right now for my family. My mom is having such a hard time with my grandma [who should be going any day] and I really wish she could be strong for Justin, but it’s her mom so I can understand. I am the strongest person in my family in situations like this so I just wish I could be there for everyone. And I already went through this here, so I wish I could take my experience with me down there and be there for them. Yesterday my mom said “I don’t know if I’m ready for this” and I was just like, “I’m sorry but you don’t really have a choice… just stay strong.” And I reminded her that Justin is young and needs her. Typing that out sounds a little harsh but it wasn’t.

That also makes me think that my family here needs me too. Especially with my uncle being out of town and my cousin breaking down. I know I can’t live my life worrying about everyone and I have to follow my own heart and desires, but of course I’m going to have concerns for family.

And Paramore is pretty much my favorite right now.

No sir, well, I don’t want to be the blame
Not anymore
It’s your turn so take a seat
We’re settling the final score
And why do we like to hurt so much?

I can’t decide, you have made it harder
Just to go on
And why, all the possibilities
Well, I was wrong

That’s what you get
when you let your heart win, Whoa
That’s what you get when you let your heart win, Whoa

I drowned out all my senses
With the sound of it’s beating
And that’s what you get
when you let your heart win, Whoa

I wonder, how am I supposed to feel
When you’re not here?
‘Cause I burned every bridge I ever built
When you were here

I still try holding on to silly things
I never learn
Oh why, all the possibilities
I’m sure you heard

That’s what you get when you let your heart win, Woah.

Except I’ve learned. And I’m okay now.

Posted in: my life